The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.

“How do you know?” asked her father.

“She didn't say anything.”

A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”

The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”

His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.”

When Mrs Johnson entered Belli's room, she found that he was binding up his thumb.

“What's the matter with you?” she asked.

“It is because of that hammer.” Belli answered.

“But I didn't hear you cry.” “Oh, I thought you were not in just now.”

“Do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job.

“No,” said the personnel director checking the list. “We have got plenty of typists.”

“How about file clerks?” asked the man.

“Sorry, we have many file clerks, too.”

The personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! We need two of those.”

“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.

“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?”

“No,” he answered. “Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”

One cold day, a friend of the Browns' went to visit them. The maid stopped him at the door. The friend asked, “Is Mr. Brown at home?” “No, he has gone out.” Replied the maid. “Is Mrs. Brown at home, then?” “No, she gone out.” “May I come in and sit by the stove?” “No, it has gone out, too.”

Is There a Crib in Your Stomach?

When my sister-in-law Leah was expecting her second child, her son Brian would sometimes touch his mother's tummy to feel the baby move. One day, while touching her stomach and not feeling anything, he asked, “How come the baby isn't moving?”

“The baby is sleeping,” replied his mother.

Brian thought for a moment and then said, “You mean you got a crib in there too?”

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat

crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.

Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified

that it ran for it's life.

Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the

value of a second language?"

“I'll give you my baseball,” I said.

“No!”

“Well, what do you want?”

“I want to tell.”

Once a professor at Glasgow University put up a notice, which read: “Professor Black will meet his class tomorrow.” This means that he was going to give his students a lecture the next day.

One naughty boy of the class saw the notice and wiped away the first letter of the word “class” in the notice. Then the sentence became “Professor Black will meet his lass tomorrow”, which means the professor would meet his girl friend. Seeing this, the professor didn't take it seriously. He, then, simply left out another letter of the word. Finally, the word “class” was turned into “ass”, which means, as we all know, “a stupid donkey”. Overall, the student hadn't surpassed the teacher.

“Yes, dear,” said his mother. “I told him, but he said he couldn't afford to buy you one.”

“Of course he would say that. But what did you do?”

I told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused.

“Argued? Ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then you'd have got it!”

Tom: Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to see a doctor. It cost me three dollars.

John: That is nothing. Last week a fur coat went into my wife's eye and it cost me three hundred dollars.

A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the telephone rang.

“Hello, my son,” it was his father's voice, “Where is your mother.”

“Mother is out working in the garden.”

“What!” barked the father, “your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you helping her?”

“I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe!”

A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.

“What a terrible voice!” he said. “Do you know who she is?”

“Yes,” was the answer. “She is my wife.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon,” The man said, “Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”

“I did.” was the answer.

An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home. He went to the doctor and said to him, “My eyesight is very bad. Can you help me?”

The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked, “Well, but bow can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?”

The Irishman looked about the room and at last said, “Well, doctor, can you see that nail on the wall?”

“Yes.” Replied the doctor.

“Well then,” said the Irishman, “and I can't.”

“Last week,” Tom said to his friend Ned, “I went for a walk in a large park. It was very cold; the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a tiger.”

“What did you do?”

“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home,” answered Tom.

“Did he run after you?” asked Ned.

“No, he didn't. You see, it was in the zoo.”

An Englishman arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on the door: “All languages spoken here.”

He spoke to the manager in English, German and Russian, but received no answer. At last he asked in French: “Who speaks all the languages here?”

“The hotel guests,” was the answer.

Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady gets on the bus, and the boy at once jumps down and says: “May I offer you my seat?”

“Thank you, little boy. You are really a good child!”

Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in an armchair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.

“Are you going to dance?” asked the man pleasantly.

“Yes,” she whispered.

“Good,” he said, “May I have your seat then?”

Old man: May I sit here?

Young man: No, you can't. The seat is occupied.

Old man: Really? Then I am glad to see you, my new son.

Old man: She is my daughter.

One warm summer morning before breakfast a rich gentleman was walking in the park near his house.

Suddenly he saw a man, who was sitting under a tree. The rich man never met this man before. The man was rather pale and poorly dressed.

When the rich gentleman approached him, the man rose and said, “Good morning, sir, a fine day, you come out rather early.”

“Yes, I did,” answered the rich man. “I came out to see if I can get an appetite for my breakfast. But what are you doing here at such an early hour?”

“You see, sir,” said the poor man, “I came out see if I can get a breakfast for my appetite.”

An aesthetics professor's grandson asked his grandfather. “Grandpa, why did you say that all the falses are ugly?”

“That's certainly true. Couldn't you give me an opposite example?”

“Oh, yes,” the grandson, climbing on his grandfather's knees, said proudly, “Look at yourself. When you put on your false teeth, you looked younger and lively; when you get off them, your mouth looked empty and shrivelled, that's really ugly. Isn't it an opposite example?”

The professor could find no answer.

Son: Papa, where were you born?

Father: New York, dear.

Son: where was Mamma born?

Father: In Los Angeles.

Son: Where was I born then?

Father: In Washington D.C. .

Son: It certainly is funny how we three people got together, isn't it?

A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickle in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.

“Your son just swallowed a nickle and coughed up tow dimes!”

“What shall I do?”

Yelled back the father, “Keep feeding him nickels!”

Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition: “My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it. The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?”

“We have the same mother, don't we?”

An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China whose speciality was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of the duck. This is the wing of the duck.

Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence. “Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It's a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.

A middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman's image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”

“Don't be so fussy,” said the husband. “It's not a picture. It's a mirror!”

Once there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advised him to be a cemetery caretaker as it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery caretaker. But to everybody's surprise he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one who has to stand.”

Man: Can you tell me which judge will hear my case? I want to send him some bottles of good wine.

Lawyer: No, I can't. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to lose the case.

Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surprise.

Man: Yes, of course. But I put my opponent's name on the card with the drink.

Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?

Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the disease: Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!

A portrait painter was very much worried because no customers had ever come to him. A friend of his advised him to make a painting of himself and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad. The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to see him.

“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.

“Don't you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.

“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly stranger?”

A traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.

A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could see nothing because he stood behind. Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, please. I'm his father!” The other people were surprised, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly, he couldn't say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.

When b boy was taking his father's dinner to the factory, he stopped for a minute to watch a workman cleaning a sewer.

The boy said interestedly, “My mother dropped her gold watch down here yesterday.”

The workman's eyes lit up. “Well, boy,” he said, pretending to be careless, “get along with you.”

An hour later the boy came back. “Are you quite sure it was here that your mother lost her watch down?” asked the workman.

“I am certain,” replied the boy with a cunning smile, “because I saw Father get it out with my own eyes.”

My daughter Laura and her classmates were baking a cake in cooking class one day. After about 35 minutes the teacher said, “Laura, would you check on the cake? Just put a knife in it, and if it comes out clean the cake is ready.”

After about 10 minutes Laura came back. “What took you so long?” the teacher asked.

“Well,” said Laura, “I stuck the knife in the cake and it came out so clean that I stuck all the other dirty knives in too.”

The shopkeeper was very happy to show one to Tom, who examined carefully and turned into the shop, saying, “There isn't a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement.

“Yes, sir,” answered the shopkeeper, “but the lamp isn't included in the price of the bicycle. It's an extra.”

“Not included in the price of the bicycle?” Tom said angrily. “But that's not honest. If the lamp is in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price you gave there.”

“Well, sir,” answered the shopkeeper calmly, “there is a girl on the bicycle in our advertisement, but we don't supply one of them with the bicycle either.”

Johnny was nine years old, and he was a very naughty boy, but his mother always hoped that he would behave better. Then one day, after he had come home from school, Johnny's teacher called his mother on the phone and said, “Did you know, Mrs. Perkins, that Johnny saved a boy when he fell into the river while we were out for a walk this morning?”

Mr. Perkins was very happy when she heard this. She thought, “Johnny is becoming a good boy.” Then she turned to him and said, “That was your teacher. Why didn't you tell me you had been such a brave boy and saved one of your friends when he fell into the river this morning?”

But Johnny did not look very happy when he heard this. His face became very red, and he said, “Well, I really had to pull him out because I pushed him in.”

Jim worked as a cabin-boy on a small steamer. One morning he broke a coffeepot and threw it into the sea. When he brought in breakfast for the captain, he said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”

“Of course, you may,” said the captain, “What is it?”

“Is it a thing lost if you know where it is?” said Jim.

“Of course it isn't,” said the captain.

“Then your coffee-pot isn't lost, sir, because I know where it is,” said Jim with a smile.

“Where is it?” asked the captain.

“At the bottom of the sea.” said Jim.

Farmer Jones was known to be stingy. He met the local vet in front of the courthouse. Here was the chance. He could get some free advice.

“Doctor,” he said, “I've got a peculiar horse. Sometimes he walks normally. At other times he limps. What should I do?”

The vet told him, “Next time he walks normally, sell him!”

A man saw a fisherman standing in the lake with a mirror. “Excuse me,” he said. “What are you doing?”

“Fishing,” the fisherman replied.

“With a mirror?” the man asked, surprise.

“Sure-it's a new invention. I am going to make a fortune.”

“Could you tell how it works?”

“Okay, but is will cost you $10.”

To satisfy his curiousity, the man handed the fisherman the money. “Now show me how it works,” he said.

“Well,” the fisherman began, “you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab it.”

The man was greatly surprised. “Don't tell me that how you fish. It's ridiculous! How many have you caught?”

“You are the fifth today!” replied the fisherman with a smile.

A cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg way out on the prairie. The steed grabbed his master's belt in his teeth, carried him to shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.

Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend praised the horse's intelligence. “Heck, he's so smart,” replied the cowboy. “He came back with the veterinarian.”

Teacher: Arthur, if you had three apples and ate one, how many would you have?

Arther: Three.

Teacher: Three?

Arthur: Yes, Two outside and one inside.

A city man was on holidays in the mountains. He got talking to a local man and was very impressed by the mountain man's common sense. He suggested they play a game. “We will ask each other questions,” he said, “and the person who can't answer pays a dollar.” The mountain man thought about this for a few minutes, then pointed out that the city man was more educated and experienced. He said it would be fairer if the city man paid a dollar and he pays only 50 cents. The city man agreed.

“What has three legs and can fly?” asked the mountain man. Minutes passed while the city man racked his brain for an answer. “I don't know,” he finally said. “Here is your dollar.”

Then he asked the same question: “What has three legs and can fly?”

“Darned if I know,” said the mountain man. “Here is your 50 cents.”

A tourist saw a road sign that read “No through Way. Please Go Another Way.” He looked ahead and saw nothing wrong at all. He decided to go on, thinking the sign was a kind of joke. After a while he saw a broken bridge and had to turn back. When he came to the sign on the road, he saw these words on its backside: “Welcome to Come Back. You Fool!”

Boy: What are you doing with that piece of rope?

Old-timer: This is a weather gauge, my son.

Boy: How do you tell the weather with a piece of rope?

Old-timer: It's simple. When it swings back and forth it windy. When it gets wet, it's raining.

If you think prices are too high you can follow the example of one American woman. At a fruit shop the price of oranges was marked as two for 35 cents.

The woman asked how much one orange was. “18 cents.” was the answer. “Then,” the woman said, “I'll take the other one!”

Nurse: Oh, Professor, guess what?

Professor: Why are you so excited, nurse?

Nurse: You have just become the father of a baby boy!

Professor: Well, don't tell my wife. I want to surprise her.

The boss arrived at his office with a terrible headache. “That's funny, boss.” Commented an employee. “A few days ago, I had a terrible headache too, but it didn't last long. My wife pulled me over the sofa, gave me a big hug and a kiss, My headache went away.”

The boss put on his hat. “I've tried everything else,” he muttered. “Is your wife at home now?”

Tom: I used to shoot tigers in Africa.

Jack: Nonsense! There are no tigers in Africa.

Tom: Right you are. I shoot them all!

Two men were getting ready to leave a pub. “You can't live with them and you can't live without them,” one of the men grumbled. “That's the way women are, pal,” agreed the other.

“Who said anything about women?” snarled the first man. “I'm talking about credit cards.”

At the insistence of a reporter a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of his success. “I first became rich selling homing pigeons,” he explained.

“Really?” replied the amazed reporter. “How many did you start with?”

“Only one,” the millionaire answered, “but he kept coming back.”

Over the doctor's telephone came a call from a man who said that his small son had swallowed his pen. The doctor said, “I'll come at one, What are you doing in the meantime?”

“I'm using my pencil,” the man answered.

There were many people in the bus and no vacant seats. When a woman entered, an old man near the door attempted to rise, but she forced him back into his seat. “Thank you,” she said, “but please don't do that. I am perfectly able to stand.”

“I ask you to keep your seat,” interrupted the woman with the hands on his shoulders.

“No, no,” said the woman and again forced him back.

At last the man managed to get up, saying; “Madam, you carried me three blocks beyond my house. I wanted to get off.”

When quite young, Webster did not always obey the rules at school. One day the teacher caught him breaking a rule and asked him to come forward to be punished. In that school, striking the open hand with a ruler was the punishment. Webster's hands happened to be very dirty. On the way to the teacher's desk he hid his hands behind his back.

“Give me your hand,” demanded the teacher.

Out went the right hand.

“Webster, if you will find another hand in the schoolroom as dirty as that, I will let you go.” Instantly from Webster's back came the left hand. “Here is another, sir,” he replied.

“That will do.” said the teacher, laughing. “You may go.”

A man who had been going out with a young woman came to call on her one night carrying a little box in his pocket. At what he judged to be the right time, he pulled out the box, opened it and showed his beloved an engagement ring with her name engraved inside. “I want you to be my wife,” he said.

“I don't know how to tell you this,” she replied, “but I loved another.”

“Tell me his name!” the suitor demanded.

“No, no,” she shouted. “Do you want a fight?”

“No,” shouted back the man. “I just want to sell him this ring.”

When the Americans were getting ready to send their first men to the moon, an old Irishman was watching them on television in the bar of a hotel.

There was an Englishman in the bar, too, and he said to the Irishman, “The Americans are very clever, aren't they? They are going to send some men to the moon. It is a long way from our world.”

“Oh, that's nothing,” the Irishman answered quickly.

“The Irish are going to send some men to the sun in a few months' time. That's much farther away from the moon, you know.”

“Oh, yes, it is,” he said, “but the sun is too hot for the people to go to.”

The Irishman laughed and said, “Well, the Irish aren't stupid, you know. We won't go to the sun during the day, of course. We will go there during the night.”

“Never mind, Mr. Morrow,” the conductor said. “When you find it, mail it to the company. I'm certain you have it.”

“I know I have it,” answered Mr. Morrow. “But what I want to know is, where in the world an I going?”

A professor tried to train his donkey to get along without eating, by gradually cutting down on his food. When the animal dropped dead of starvation, he said, “An irreplaceable loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he suddenly died.”

Dad: Do you know why I am going to punish you, Bob?

Bob: No, dad.

Dad: One should always be kind to the younger, but this morning you threw little Jim's hat into the pool.

Bob: Yes, I know I was wrong, Dad. But am I much younger than you?

“Flowers need water,” said the teacher. “Water your flowers every day, or they'll die.”

One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, “What are you doing there, Marry?”

“Watering flowers,” said Marry.

“But it is raining now!”

“Oh, it doesn't matter. Mum. I have an umbrella!”

A servant broke a cup. His master was very angry and asked, “How did you break it?”

“Do you really want to know?” the servant picked up another cup and threw it onto the ground, “I broke it like this.”

Judge: Now I see that apart from money, you stole watches, rings and necklaces.

Defendant: yes, sir. But I heard that money alone does not bring happiness.

During a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: “What causes a depression?” One of the students wrote: “God knows! I don't. Merry Christmas!”

The exam paper came back with the prof's notation: “God gets 100! You get zero! Happy New Year!”

She: how many times do you shave a day?

He: oh, forty or fifty times.

She: Are you crazy?

He: No, I am a barber.

An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick. “I have to see a doctor,” he told a local. “How can I know which doctor is a good one?”

“It's easy,” was the reply. “Every time a doctor loses a patient, it's our law that he must fly a balloon above his office.”

So the American began his search. One doctor flew 20 balloons, another 30. Finally the American found an office that was flying only five, and he went in.

“You will have to wait,” the doctor told him. “For someone who only started practice yesterday, I've been very busy.”

In a bookshop, a writer found all the books on the shelves were written by him. He was very pleased. “Where are the other writers' books?” he asked. “They have been sold out.” was the answer.

Alice was a secretary She was always late for work. Whenever she was late, she would tell the boss that her watch was slow.

One morning Alice was late again. The boss was very angry. He shouted at her, “I say, Alice, if you don't change your watch. I'll change my secretary!”

It was a very hot summer afternoon. The sun was shining brightly. A very tall and fat woman was walking along the street. She felt uneasy because a schoolboy was following her closely. She began to walk faster, and the boy walked slowly, too! At last the woman stopped. She turned round and looked at the boy.

“Tell me, sonny,” she asked. “Why are you following me?”

“Oh, sorry, madam,” said the boy, “but it's cooler walking in the shade behind you.”

“To tell you truth, Doctor,” the man replied, “I didn't need it so much then.”

One morning, John left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got very tired and got on one of them. He counted the donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it. So he went back to the donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on one of them again, and they all started.

After a few minutes, he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was counting again, a friend of his passed, and John said to him, “I left my house with six donkeys; then, I had five; then, I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One, two, three, four, five.”

“But, John,” said his friend, “you are sitting on a donkey too! That is the sixth! And you are the seventh!”

One day Mother looked at Tom's shoes and said, “Tom, lock at your shoes. How dirty they are! You must clean them.”

“Oh, Mother, but I cleaned them only yesterday,” said the boy.

“But they are dirty now, You must clean them again.”

“I don't want to clean them today; even if I clean them today, they will be dirty again tomorrow.”

Tom's mother thought for a moment and said, “All right, Don't clean them then.”

In the evening Tom came back from school. He was very hungry.

“Mother, give me something to eat, please,” he said

“You had your breakfast in the morning, Tom, and you had your lunch at school,” his mother said, smiling.

“I'm hungry again now,” cried the boy.

“Oh, really? But even if I give you something to eat today, you will be hungry again tomorrow.”

One evening Tom was sitting in a concert hall with his uncle, They were listening to the beautiful music.

“Do you know music?” his uncle asked Tom.

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me what the young man is playing now?”

“Yes. He is playing the piano now.” Tom answered with a smile.

“If you refuse to marry me,” he swore, “I shall die,” She refused him.

Sixty years later, he died.

An adjective has three qualitative degrees: good, better and best.

The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality. “You are the best woman in my life,” announced the groom on their wedding night.

“And who were the other two?” angrily snapped the grammar-conscious bride.

Mother: Which apple do you want, tom?

Tom: The biggest one.

Mother: Why, Tom, you should be polite and take the little one.

Tom: Well, Mum, should I lie just to be polite?

The young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister to go fishing. “Last time she came,” he objected, “I didn't catch a single fish.”

“I'll talk to her,” his mother said,” and I promise this time she won't make any noise.”

“It wasn't the noise, Mum,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”

Son: Dad, is French very difficult to learn?

Father: MY boy, at the beginning it is, but after that it becomes very easy.

Son: That's great! I'll learn the latter half.

Poet: I hope you have received the little Volume of poems I sent you.

Woman: Oh, yes, I have. It's very nice. I wonder where I have put it?

Her son: It's under leg of the table, Mum, to make it steady.

Tall woman: Look! Here is a magazine that tells how to take five years off your face.

Short Woman: Good! I'll take two of them!

After a year of treatment at a beauty parlor, a forty-year-old woman told her husband. “Miss Tina, who treats me, says that I looked almost fifty before the treatment, but now I look only about thirty.”

After a while her husband said, “I'm afraid it's the opposite result.”

Before a young lady bought a lipstick, she asked the shop assistant at the cosmetics counter.

“Will the lipstick fade after being kissed?”

The man clerk thought for a while and then answered, “Well, we can have a try first and see.”

Once I asked one of my friends about the mystery of her handsome and successful husband. This is her reply:

“A wife with an unpleasant look can make her husband focus all his attention on his work.”

A year ago, Mary's brother had a traffic accident and was sent to hospital at one with a very serious brain injury. Last month, I saw Mary in the street and asked if her brother was any better after the brain operation.

“Yes,” she replied, “he's much better. Before the operation he can't recognize anyone. Now he offers greetings to anyone he sees.”

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to. Mother and does everything he or she is told?” he asked.

There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!”

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, and everyone was complimenting him on how well he looked.

“I'll tell you the secret,” he said, “My wife and I were married seventy-five years ago. On our wedding night we made a pledge that whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go out and take a walk. I have been in the open air continuously for the past seventy-five years.”

“What shall I do?” a young man looking to get married asked his friend. “Every girl I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like.”

“Oh, that's easy,” his friend replied. “All you have to do is to find someone who is just like your mother.”

“I did that already,” he said, “and that one my father didn't like.”

A man was in a grocery store with his stingy friend when two robbers broke in and asked all the people to put up their hands. As the robbers began searching the boss for money, he felt a nudge. “Take this,” his friend whispered.

“Don't give me a gun,” the man whispered back. “I don't want to be a hero.”

“It's not gun-in' s that twenty-five dollars I owe you.”

A countryman was visiting the big city for the first time. Entering an office building, he saw a pudgy older woman step into a small room. The doors closed, lights flashed, and after a while the door opened and a beautiful model stepped off the room.

Blinking in amazement, the countryman said slowly, “I should have brought my wife here!”

Mr. Brown was busy writing letters in his room when his servant, a very stupid boy, rushed into his master's room and shouted. “Fire! Fire! The kitchen is on fire!”

Mr. Brown got up quickly, and he and the boy ran as fast as they could to the kitchen.

“Look there,” shouted the boy, pointing to the leaping flames. He had carelessly left some dry wood near the fire and this was a light and blazing hard. Mr. Brown saw a big pot of boiling water on the top of the stove. “You silly fellow,” he said, “Why didn't you throw that on the burning wood? That would have put it out quickly.”

“Oh, no,” said the boy slowly. “That water would be useless. It is hot water!”

The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18 years old.

But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him, too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.

“How old are you?” he asked.

“Eighteen, sir,” said John.

“But your brother was 18, too,” said the doctor, “Are you twins?”

“Oh, no, sir,” said John, and his face went red. “My brother is five months older than I am.”

One day little Tom didn't want to go to school and telephoned the teacher. He pretended to be his father and said, “Hello. Is that the teacher speaking?”

The teacher at the other end of the telephone, asked, “Who is that speaking?”

There was a big garden near Mr. Jones' house, and it had a lot of fruit trees in it. One day he saw some beautiful apples on one of them. He went home and got a ladder, put it against the high wall of the garden and climbed up. Then he pulled the ladder up, put it down on the other side, and climbed down into the garden. Just then a gardener came round a corner and saw him.

“What are you doing here?” he shouted.

Mr. Jones thought quickly and then said. “I'm selling my ladder.”

“Selling your ladder? In somebody else's garden? Do you think I believe such a stupid story?” said the gardener and came towards Mr. Jones with a stick.

“It is my ladder,” said Mr. Jones, “and I can sell it where I like. You needn't buy if you don't want to.” And he took his ladder and climbed over the wall again.

John and David met in the street one day. Before they departed they had a conversation.

“I want to ask you for a favor, but can you keep it a secret for me?” said John.

“Certainly I can,” answered David.

“I'm short of money these days. Will you please lend me some?”

“Oh, don't worry,” David said, “I'll take it as if I did not hear you.”

Fred: Do fish ever sweat?

John: Of course they do. That's why the water of the sea is so salty.

Father: Did you share the three pieces of candy with your little brother and yourself?

Son: Yes, Dad.

Father: How did you divide, then?

Son: Oh, it's quite difficult to divide three between two persons, so I ate one first.

“Johnny,” the teacher asked, “What is the formula for water?”

“H, I , J, K, L, M, N, O” he replied.

“That's not what I taught you.”

“But you said the formula for water was H to O.”

The professor rapped on his desk and shouted: “Gentlemen, order!” The entire class shouted: “Beet!”

Teacher: If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?

John: He will beat me.

Tall man: That boy fell into the river just now. Why didn't you jump into the river to save him?

Short man: I was too busy. What were you doing then?

Tall man: I was crying “Help! Help!”

“Teacher, what's the meaning of the numbers under the name of Columbus' 1451-1506'?” One of the students asked.

Jim stood up and shouted before the teacher answered. “It's very easy! That's his telephone number!”

Showing a tour group around a museum, the guide said, “That fossil in the glass case is two million and nine years old.”

“How can you date it so precisely?” someone asked admiringly.

“That's easy,” replied the guide. “I've been working here nine years, and it was two million years old when I came.”

Tom: Papa, can you write your name without opening your eyes?

Father: Of course, I can.

Tom: All right! Please write your name on my school report.

Teacher: “What's the difference between ‘DISCOVER' and ‘INVENT', Black?”

Black: “Oh, it's very easy. Father discovered my mother and they invented me.”

Tom: Do you know Jack's address, Mary?

Mary: No, I don't

Tom: Too bad! I lost his address.

Mary: But why don't you write to him first and ask him for it?

A professor met a friend and exclaimed, “ I heard you had died!”

“But you see I'm alive,” smiled the friend.

“Impossible,” decided the professor. “The man who told me this news is more reliable than you are.”

Tom: Granny, have you got any good teeth?

Granny: Oh, my grandson, I haven't got any good teeth.

Tom: That's great! Can you keep these chocolates for me?

Mother: Sam, I saw two cakes in the cupboard this morning, but there is only one now. Where is the other cake, do you know?

Sam: I don't know, Mum. The cupboard is very high. I could only find one because it was very dark in it.

Jack: Tom, we have known each other for ten years, haven't we?

Tom: Yes, my friend.

Jack: You know me well, don't you?

Tom: Yes, of course.

Jack: Could you lend me ten pounds?

Tom: No.

Jack: But why?

Tom: Because I know you too well.

Peter came back from school and said to his father happily, “Dad, our teacher asked us a question this morning. Only one student could answer it. Do you know who he is?” “No,” “It's me, Dad,” “You Oh, you are my good son. What did the teacher ask?” “Who broke the window?”

Before Mother's Day, the students were discussing how to make their mothers happy. At last they found there was only one thing they could do. That was not to take their school reports home.

“Tom, what's the matter with your brother?” asked the mother in the kitchen. “He's crying.”

“Oh, nothing, Mum,” replied Tom, “I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any.”

“But has he finished his own cake?”

“Yes,” said Tom, “and he also cried when I was helping him finish that!”

Father: Do you have any homework today?

Son: No, I have no homework today.

Father: What a pity! I have to wash the dishes then.

Teacher: Can you make a sentence with the word “egg”?

Student: Yes. I ate a piece of cake yesterday.

Teacher: Then where is the “egg”?

Student: In the cake, sir.

Little Tom said to his mother before he went to sleep, “Mummy, will you give me an apple?”

“No, it is too late. The apples are sleeping now.”

“No, the small ones may be sleeping now, but the big ones are not.” Tom shouted.

Tom: Grandpa, will you please give me two dollars? So I can go to see my mother and father.

Grandpa: Where are your parents now?

Tom: At the cinema.

Jack can't swim. A few days ago he fell into the river. He called for help. A boy jumped into the river and pulled him out.

“That boy saved your life,” said his wife. “Shouldn't we give him a pound?” “I was dead when he pulled me out.” Said Jack. “Give him 50 pence, dear.”

Plumber: I'm sorry I'm late, but I just couldn't get here any sooner.

Man of the house: Well, time hasn't been wasted. While we were waiting for you, I taught my wife how to swim.

Jack: Tom, how was the horse-riding yesterday?

Tom: Not so bad. But my horse was too polite.

Jack: Too polite?

Tom: Yes. When we came to a fence, he let me go first.

Dad: Did you do a good deed today?

Son: Yes, Dad. Three other boys and I helped an old woman across the street.

Dad: Why did it take four of you?

Son: Because she didn't want to do that.

A man at work lost his ear in an accident and asked his friend to help him look for it. After a while, his friend found an ear, but the man said, “That's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it.”

Father: If this car is made of chocolate, which part will you eat first?

Son: I will eat the wheels first.

Father: But why?

Son: Because the car can't run without its wheels.

Schoolboy: Excuse me, Miss, I'm calling just to tell you I can't go to school today.

Teacher: Why? What's wrong?

Schoolboy: I don't feel well.

Teacher: Where do you feel trouble?

Schoolboy: In the classroom.

Father: My son, I punish you because I love you.

Son: I know, Dad, but I shouldn't get so much love.

Two men in the college were talking about their sons. “My son's letters always send me to the dictionary,” said one man.

“Then you are quite lucky,” said the other. “My son's letters always send me to the bank.”

Journalist: Why did you jump into the river to save that boy?

Hero: I had to do so, because he was wearing my coat.

Husband: Oh, dear! Someone stole my wallet.

Wife: What? Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket?

Mr. Smith: Oh, God! I left my wallet under the pillow. What shall I do?

His friend: Don't worry. Your maid is an honest woman, isn't she?

Mr. Smith: Yes, But she will give it to my wife.

The doctor said to the nurse, “Go and ask the patient what his name is, so that we can inform his parents.”

After a while, the nurse came back and said, “the patient said that his parents know his name.”

One morning Mrs. Perry said to her husband, “Jack, there's a meeting of our ladies' club at Mrs. Young's House at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I'll leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right?”

“Oh, yes,” her husband answered, “that's quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch?”

“This tin of fish,” Mrs. Perry said,” And there are some cold boiled potatoes and some beans here, too.”

“Good.” Then Mrs. Perry went to her meeting. All the ladies had lunch at Mrs. Young's house, and at three o' clock Mrs. Perry came home.

“Was your fish nice, Jack?” she asked.

“Yes, but my feet are hurting,” he answered.

“Why are they hurting?” Mrs. Perry asked.

“Well, on the tin it was written-OPEN THE TIN AND STAND IN HOT WATER FOR FIVE MINUTES.”

“What do you want it for?” the dentist was surprised. “I am going to take it home, fill it with sugar and watch it ache.” The boy said with all sincerity.

“Now, Madam,” said the salesman after showing his company's products, “What do you need most at home now?”

“Money, sir,” the woman said with no hesitation.

After the family had finished their dinner in a restaurant, father called over the waiter. “My son has left quite a lot of meat on the plate,” he said. “Could you give me a bag so that I can take it home for the dog?”

“But, Dad,” shouted the son, “have we got a dog?”

A man always went to the same bar at the same time every day and asked for two glasses of beer. He drank them and then asked for two more.

One day the man behind the bar said to him, “Why do you always ask for two glasses of beer? Why don't you get one big glass instead?”

The man answered, “Because I don't like to drink alone. I drink with my friend.”

But a few days later the man came in and asked only for one beer.

“Oh,” said the barman, “has your friend died?”

“Oh, no,” said the man. “He is very well. This beer is for him. But I have stopped drinking beer. My doctor doesn't want me to drink any more because it is dangerous for me.”

Mr. and Mrs. Brown lived in a small house near London with their child. Sometimes Mrs. Brown came back from work very late, when his wife and child were asleep, and then he opened the front door of his house with his key and came in very quietly.

Some businessmen were talking about advertising on TV excitedly. As none of them had ever done it before, every one had his point of view. At this moment, Mr. Grey came by. Grey was a car dealer and he had once made an advertisement.

“What are you talking about?” Mr. Grey asked.

“Does advertisement work or not?” one of the businessmen asked.

“Oh, yes, it works very fast,” Mr. Grey said. “I once advertised for my watch-dog and offered a reward of $ 100.”

“Did you get the dog back?”

“No, but that very night three of my cars were stolen.”

“I had an operation,” said a man to his friend, “and the doctor left a sponge in me.”

“That's terrible!” commiserated the friend. “Got any pain?”

Worker: But why? I haven't done anything?

Boss: That's why you are fired.

It was Christmas Day but the judge was still very busy in the court. He was now questioning a prisoner.

“What are you charged with?” he said.

“Doing my Christmas shopping too early,” replied the prisoner in a sad voice.

“That's no offence,” said the judge. “How early were you doing your shopping, then?”

“Before the shop opened,” was the prisoner's answer.

A secretary was telling her office mates about her birthday party.

“Nineteen candles,” meowed a colleague. “What did you do, burn them at both ends?”

An angry drunk was shouting at the police station.

“You were brought in for drinking,” replied the sergeant.

“That's marvelous,” said the drunk. “When do we start?”

Nurse: Will you bounce up and down on your bed please, sir?

Patient: Why, nurse?

Nurse: I forgot go shake the bottle before giving you the medicine.

Mother: “What did your father say when he saw his broken glasses?”

Son: “Shall I leave out the swear-words, Mother?”

Mother: “OK,”

Son: “Then I don't think he said anything.”

Brown: John, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you?

John: Why, yes, I suppose so.

Brown: All right, then, lend me fifty, but just give me twenty-five of it.

John: O.K. But why?

Brown: Then you'll owe me twenty-five, and I'll owe you twenty-five, and we'll be all square.

A woman had been very faithful in attending all her church's services for many years, and the minister wanted to reward her. At the next Sunday-evening service he announced, “For her loyalty to the church, we shall reward Miss Jones by letting her pick three hymns for the evening.”

“Oh, goody!” exclaimed Miss Jones. And, pointing to various members in the congregation, she said, “I'll take him and him”.

It is June. The sun is in the sky. It is very hot. Josie is tired of school. She wants to be at the beach. She cannot sit in her seat. She cannot stop talking. While the teacher writes on the board, Josie gets up and talks to a friend. The teacher, Mr. Rula, hears the noise and says, “Josie, sit down and be quiet.” Josie sits down. Mr. Rula continues with he lesson. Josie gets up and talks to another friend. “Sit down and be quiet.” says Mr. Rula. He is very annoyed with her, Josie continues talking.

“O. K,” says Mr. Rula, “if you want to talk, then come to the front of the classroom and be the teacher.”

“All right.” Agrees Josie. She comes to the front of the classroom and says, “Quiet, everyone. I am the new teacher, and I say ‘class dismissed.'”

Mother: Do you want a cookie, Pierre? Do you want a cookie, Pierre?

Pierre: Yes, Mum.

Mother: Why must I ask you twice?

Pierre: Because, Mum, I want two cookies.

A man was applying for a job as a prison guard. The warden said, “Now these are real tough guys in here. Do you think you can handle it?”

“No problem!” the applicant replied, “If they don't behave, I'll let them go!”

"I asked my dad where babies come from. He says you download them from the

Internet."

"Whenever something goes wrong, I just push this little Reset button and

restart. I wish my whole life was like that!"

The organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at

different levels, some climbing up.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The

monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but ass holes.

A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig.

The man was found guilty and fined.

After the trial he asked the judge, "This means that I cannot call Mrs.Johnson a pig?"

The judge said that was true.

"Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?" the man asked.

The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.

The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs.Johnson."

"In my office, I just can't win!" lamented the psychiatrist's secretary.

"If I come to work early, I'm anxious. If I'm on time, I'm compulsive. If I'm late, I'm hostile..."

"If you are calling to order or send money, press 5."

"If you are calling to register a complaint, press 64-59834822955392."

"Have a good day."